When Enough is Enough

When is enough enough? I don't mean throwing in the towel and not making sure things are properly addressed. I mean when do you stop trying to force your child into a mold that they just don't fit into. When do you stop trying to make their legs straight or their hands open? When do you stop focusing so much attention on their developmental progress and shift to maintaining where they are and making sure they know happiness and contentment? When does it become more about quality of life over quantity?

Most people don't have to deal with these decisions regarding their children. They mostly speak about quality of life when discussing their parents as they age or grandparents. In my world that is not the case. We have to face these decisions at times least expected. Evie is only thirteen and I am already mulling these questions over in my mind. Struggling to find the answers. Researching the options. Talking to seasoned parents to find out when they reached that point and what advice they may have for me. 

Their advice, "It's different for everyone and you'll know when its time to reassess." 

At first, that doesn't seem like the most helpful advice, but it truly is. They are telling me that it is okay to have these questions and doubts about the direction her care and life are going. They are encouraging me to dig deep and really decide what is in her and MY best interest. Which may sound selfish to some, but we are in this together and I am just as affected as she is when it comes to her care. They have given me permission to consider myself in the equation. And that is ok. That should be the norm in our world.

We sacrifice much of ourselves to parent our children. We stretch beyond anything imaginable and adapt to circumstances we never imagined. We rise up to meet the day not knowing what it will bring and knowing at the same time it could be the end of life as we know it. We live in a constant state of trauma and crisis. All the while putting a smile on our face, calming our own fears, swallowing our worries, and desperately hoping those feelings don't cross over to our children who rely on us for stability and strength.

I'm here to say, if you are beginning to have second thoughts about all the "extras" you feel you have to do, maybe, just maybe, it is time to take a step back and hit the pause button. Reevaluate what your goals are and whether the actives you pursue are adding or subtracting for what is best for YOUR child. It is ok to hit pause. Discuss the options and slowly add in what makes sense for your family and specifically for you and  your child. 

You owe no one else an explanation for your decisions. Not one single person. I've often said that when Evie is able to talk with me about the things I have given permission to be done to her body I better be able to justify every single scar, every test, every decision. She is the only one I have to answer to and one day I hope to hear her thoughts on my decisions. Until then, I will continue to make the best decision I can based on what I know and see right in front of me. 

I am deciding to hit the pause button, dial things back, and rediscover the joy that life offers to both of us.