During that time I was an emotional basket case. One week I was hopeful, the next week I was angry and resentful, and the week after that I was mourning the life I believed would never be. Every where I went I saw pregnant women or newborn babies. Close friends became pregnant and I had to pull up my big girl pants, put on my happy face, and sit through shower after shower (one of which I actually hosted). It was torture! My own, not always so private, hell! Don't get me wrong I was happy for my friends because I don't wish that kind of pain on anyone, but it totally sucked.
In order to increase our chances of conceiving Rae, I monitored and recorded my temperature daily (keeping it in a notebook nestled in my nightstand drawer), with hope of discovering my bodies particular (more like peculiar) pattern. As informative as that was, it didn't really help because I discovered my body didn't really have a pattern. It seemed to do whatever it wanted and there was no such thing as "regular" in my world. I took pre-natal vitamins, quit drinking (for a while), quit smoking (easier for me than others), and made healthier food choices...sorta (we have a horrible Taco Bell habit). But still no bun in the oven. I wept. I raged. I bargained. I tried to envision my life without my desperately desired child. Nothing helped and I felt betrayed by my own body. I am a woman after all. I'm built for just this occasion. So, what's the deal?!?
Eventually, I had a procedure, called a HSG, done to make sure my tubes weren't stuck together. While laying on a cold exam table, my legs suspended in air by stirrups, I was given one of the most bizarre "compliments" I have ever heard, "You have a picture perfect uterus." (Seriouly! What in the world goes through an OB's mind when they say crap like that?!?) So, my "picture perfect uterus" received a clean bill of health and left me with no answers to my infertility. Out of fairness, (and not ruling out other possibilities) my husband was also given the once over. Everything was "normal" (story of our lives at this point). So what was the deal?!?
The next step was a medication called Clomid, which causes hyper ovulation, (meaning multiple eggs are released during one cycle), and side effects may include multiple births...DUH! The thought of that petrified my husband and every month I was on this medication I think he feared we'd end up having triplets. If this didn't work, I was going to (very) bitterly give up the dream of being a Mom. I just couldn't see how we could afford in vitro fertilization (IVF) where prices range from 10K to 15K each round and most insurances usually don't cover the costs.
By the beginning of 2010, it was decided that if I wasn't pregnant by the beginning of summer we were going to move on without having a child (which meant going back on birth control). It wasn't the easiest decision to make, but it was the one I felt was the best. I keep using the term "I" because this was really my choice, my husband would have continued because he wanted to give me what I desperately wanted (he always does)...I just couldn't keep riding the emotional highs and lows. Another factor I had to consider was that we are a May December Romance. It wasn't just a matter of my emotional health, it was also a matter of our respective ages and our future together.
It was time to wait out the remaining fruitless (or so I thought) five months and move forward with our lives as D.I.N.K's.