Open Your Eyes

Just open your eyes. Open your eyes and look at your mother. She's right beside you. Reassure her. Open your eyes so she knows you are still here.

*my eyes open*

Good. Now you can rest again, but only for a few seconds. Then you have to open your eyes again. Don't stop looking at her.

God I'm not ready. I have to be here. Please. I know my time hasn't come yet. Please. I have to stay for Evie. Don't make my parents bury me.

*my eyes close*

Open your eyes again.

I can't. I'm so tired. It takes too much effort.

Your mother is sitting here with you. She needs to see your eyes open. Open your eyes.

Ok.

*my eyes open*

I know she is afraid. She's calm, but I know inside she is afraid. I can see it. I'm afraid too. I start to cry. I don't want to hurt them. I can't leave. Why is this happening? Haven't I gone through enough? Haven't we gone through enough? I need to rest. There are so many people in this little room. I want to float away.

*my eyes close*

Open your eyes.

I can't. I just want to sleep.

Open your eyes. I am not asking, I am commanding you. Open your eyes.

*my eyes open*

The nurses are fussing over me. They can't get a vein for a third IV. The doctor wants to do a surgical procedure. They want to put a line into my neck. Oh dear lord, what is wrong with me?!?! I'm not supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be the healthy one. I'm the baby. The youngest. Hasn't my family lost enough? This is not how I want to be relieved of my burdens. Not yet. Please. Not yet.

*my eyes close*

Open your eyes. Look at your mother. She needs you to look at her.

I can't. Please. You don't understand. I'm so tired. I hurt. They keep poking me. It hurts so much. I feel weightless and free when my eyes are closed. Just let me be.

Open your eyes.

*my eyes open*

They are all still here. The nurses. The doctor. My mom. Either fussing over me or waiting to know what is wrong. I'm freezing cold, but burning up. I want a blanket, but they keep trying to take it away. I scribble my signature on some legal form giving consent to cut into my neck. Oh God, what is happening? I begin to cry again. The doctor rushed over telling me I need to calm down. How am I supposed to calm down when I don't know what is happening.

*my eyes close*

They tell me to turn my head to the left. I feel a plastic film cover my face and upper chest. Oh God, they're doing it. They're going to cut me. The needle presses into my tender skin to numb the area. Why does it hurt so much? I feel my tears sliding down my cheeks and a bit of panic settling in. Deep breath. Deep breath. Calm down. It's ok. You're in the ER and they won't let anything happen to you.

Open your eyes.

*my eyes open*

I search for my mothers face and she's right there beside me. She's so calm. That's what you want in an emergency situation. I know she'll have her moment later when the time is appropriate. When she doesn't have to be strong for me.

*my eyes close*

The doctor is leaning over me. I keep my eyes closed. I feel a bit of pressure on my neck. Then I feel warm liquid running down my neck. I know its my blood. The panic comes again. Deep breath. Calm down.

Open your eyes.

*my eyes open*

She's still there. I'm still here. We're going to get through this.

*my eyes close*