More Than I Can Handle

You might want to get comfortable for this post...it's a tad long. I have wanted to write on this topic for months, but just needed to really get my thoughts together before putting them out there for the world.

Are you comfortable? Got something to drink or nibble on (you might need it)? I'll give you a minute.

...(humming Jeopardy theme song)...

Ok...let's get on with the post...

I have my hands full (most of us do). At times I seriously doubt whether I can bear much more emotional weight on my shoulders. There always seems to be one more hurdle (quickly followed by another) or one more emotional upheaval (we've had three deaths in my immediate family this year). It is exhausting. It can be depressing. It usually just downright sucks!

But you know what sucks more...hearing, "God will never give you more than you can handle." It nearly drives me over the edge of sanity once spoken. I have to fight back my snarky retort aimed at the person who honestly believes they are offering some form of comfort (its NOT a comfort...please STOP saying it!). The theme of this phrase has even found its way into the song He Said by Group 1 Crew (I can kind of let this one slide though). This misnomer is not founded in any book in the Bible, but it is derived from a misinterpretation of an actual verse, 1 Corinthians 10:13. How in the world did 1 Corinthians 10:13 become the foundation for this offering of encouragement?!?

Let's look at the verse (New King James Version):

"No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it."(emphasis added)

This is the verse that has been used to support the misnomer of God not giving us more than we can handle. I believe there are two key words to this verse...temptation and escape.

• Temptation is defined by Merriam-Webster as:
• The act of tempting or the state of being tempted especially to evil
• Something tempting; a cause or occasion of enticement

Let's deal with this word first...

I believe people are confusing temptation with burden...they are not the same thing. The burdens and struggles I am carrying don't have anything to do with temptation (unless I'm tempted to run away from my daughter...uh...no). I am not being tempted to evil by hearing devastating test results, researching new therapies, burying a family member, or seeing Rae fall further behind developmentally (unless you count being tempted to break a few dishes in my back yard purely out of frustration to be evil). I am not dealing with temptation. I am dealing with very overwhelming emotional/spiritual battles with myself, with my faith, with my friends/family, with our doctors, labs or insurance company, and with my daughter (she is a stubborn little stinker at times).

Let's review the second word...

• Escape is defined by Merriam-Webster as:
• To get away
• To avoid threatening evil
• To get free of
• To get or stay out of the way of

This word deals primarily with leaving or avoiding a situation. It's pretty cut and dry. I can not "escape" my emotional battles (especially since some of them are internal) or avoid dealing with my daughter's medical quagmire. Escape is not an option. God delivering me of my burdens is not an escape plan. He's more like a support group leader. Offering me His strength during my weakness and helping me carry the load that I am unable to carry on my own.

So, why does this cliche bother me so deeply? Because I believe it is derived from a biblical verse that has been taken out of context and does not in any way offer real comfort. I also believe that if we never had to endure anything we could not handle then we would never need to turn to God in time of need, sorrow, struggle, or weakness. If I could "handle" any situation then I can rely solely on myself. I don't believe that is what God intended.

Paul, the same man who wrote 1 Corinthians 10:13, later wrote in 2 Corinthians 1: 8-10,

"For we do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, of our trouble which came to us in Asia: that we were burdened beyond measure, above strength, so that we despaired even of life. Yes, we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead, who delivered us from so great a death, and does deliver us; in whom we trust that He will still deliver us," (emphasis added)

Paul was at a low point in his life. He felt burdened beyond his own, earthly, ability to handle and felt his earthly life may soon be over. He recognized that there are times when the burden is more than we can handle on our own and we should trust that God will deliver us. Paul was given more than he could handle! That is a huge contrast from the verse being offered as encouragement that God will "never" give us more than we can handle. If Paul was given a burden he could not bear on his own, then why would we not be given a burden we too could not bear without God's help?

Lisa Copen, founder of Rest Ministries, writes:

"Let me tell you something that may come as a surprise. God does give us more than we can handle. Every day He may place us in the position where the pain is too much to bear. Why? Because we were never meant to do this life without Him! He gives you more than you can handle–but not how much you and He–together–can handle."

AMEN!

So, why do we continue to say this to people?

When someone is in the middle of dealing with illness, death, or just about any situation that causes doubt, pain, or depression...a common feeling is that the situation is too much for them to handle. It's swallowing them whole. It creates overwhelming doubt about their ability to overcome this life altering circumstance. Hearing, "God will never give them more than they can handle," may generate more doubt (or anger) or cause a serious fracture in their faith. They are already fighting a mental battle as Lisa shares,

"Over and over I have heard the saying, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” But what about the pain. . . the grief. . . the depression. . . the darkness? It is more than we can handle. Much more. There are days that we wonder is life worth living if we have to get up every day and fight to be strong?"

Why are we adding more fuel to the fire? During the course of your life, you WILL have more than you feel you can handle. You are not designed to deal with everything on your own (even if you cling to family or friends and not faith). Here's my solution to those that wish to encourage and support those in pain... Stop saying, "God will never give you more than you can handle." It's not true. Instead, look for meaningful, scripturally based (if that's your thing) words of encouragement. Here are a few verses I have found comfort in:

"Cast your burden on the Lord and He will sustain you;

He will never allow the righteous to be moved."

Psalm 55:22

(God wants to help you carry your burden, but you must give it to Him.)

"You hear O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry"

Psalm 10:17

(He sees and hears you. Your pain, your fear, your sorrow. He sees and hears it all.)

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:6-7

(When you feel your anxiety rising...stop, take a moment to collect yourself, and give that anxiety over to God. He will protect you. Accept the peace of mind He offers you.

I need to remember this one more often.)

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:9

(You are NEVER alone! He is ALWAYS with you!)

*I didn't come across these verses on my own. I had some help from a friend that invited me to join her in a Bible study called Brave Honest Questions Women Ask by Angela Thomas. I highly recommend this study for those struggling with a burden(s) or thorn(s). It's great with a group, but if you don't have a group please try it on your own.

Spoonful of Sugar

More often than I like, I sit in a chilly exam room at a children's clinic patiently (well, maybe not always so patient) waiting for a doctor to come in and explain the details of the most recent test results. The quiet tapping on the door lets me know that the wait is finally over and we may actually get some kind of answer to this medical quagmire. The doctor smiles, shakes my hand, comments on how much Rae has grown/progressed, and after exchanging a few other pleasantries we get down to the nitty gritty...

What did the test determine?

In our case, every test comes back normal (with the exception of the most recent mitochondrial testing completed at Baylor University but that is another story) and then we discuss the next possible test that may rule another syndrome in or out. The doctor gently goes over the symptoms and gives me a Cliff Note version of its details. In turn I smile, nod, and utter the occasional "Ah", "I see", and "Uh-huh's." Occasionally, these turn into questions like: "What does that mean?" "Is it treatable?" "If that comes back normal, what's next?" It's like being partners in a well choreographed dance routine (The Doctor Dance). He spins me around till I'm dizzy from all the medical jargon. I leap into the air, putting faith in his expertise, praying that he'll catch me before I face plant onto the stage floor. And we're both hopeful...so very, VERY hopeful!

After an appointment (especially if I am flying solo) it is up to me to filter the information down to everyone. This is probably the most difficult part because I don't want to upset them unnecessarily. Do I try to explain what I don't even fully understand? Do I tell them everything? Do I wait until the next round of test results are in? Do I want to try to answer all of their questions? What's the best way of breaking the news (bad not good...good news gets screamed from the rooftop of the tallest building I can find)? Should I sweeten the blow or just give it to them straight? How do I tell everyone? Help!

*POOF*

I magically transform into Mary Poppins complete with a 5lb bag of sugar and silver spoon! I start mixing heaps of sugary goodness into the information I give out (omitting most of the really bad stuff) praying that it makes it easier for them to swallow the castor oil that Rae's testing has become for me. Instead of just drowning them with all the negative, I try to add in whatever silver lining I can scrounge up (sometimes that in itself is a challenge). I also try to give it out in small doses...a little here...(let it sink in)...a little there...(wrap your mind around it)...one more does...there ya go! All done!!

"Rae will probably need a wheelchair next spring, but at least we can paint it pink and have flames added to it."

"Rae may not speak for awhile, but she makes great eye contact!"

"The doctor(s) said they wanted to check for <insert random horrifying syndrome>, but she doesn't have <insert more horrifying random syndrome>!"

I could keep going, but I think you get the picture...

The sad thing is...no one really eases me into bad news (they think they do, but they don't)...at least Rae's doctors don't. I have sat in one doctor appointment after another being told all these potentionally horrible things (more recently,"...her life expectancy could change." That never crossed my mind till that appointment) that may or may not be the cause of Rae's muddled up diagnoses and they just lay it out on the table. On one hand I appreciate it, honestly, I do (well...sorta). It rips the bandaid right off and forces me to move forward from denial and into proactive decision making. On the other hand...

I HATE IT!

I hate it because I have to take my medicine without any sugar to sweeten the better taste that lingers in my mouth. No one lets the blow to my gut recover before punching me in the kidney. While some get to know only what we tell them (unless they google it and then they might get a little freaked out), we get to carry the full knowledge of what these test can potentially mean for our lives. I guess what I'm trying to say is... Momma wants a little sugar!!! Not all the time, but maybe...just maybe...a little sugar would do me some good.

If you find yourself on the receiving end of bad news (especially from me), please keep in mind that the person sharing the information with you probably has a lot more that they aren't sharing. Their burden might be heavier then they are letting you know and bombarding them with "well intentioned" suggestions or a myriad of questions may not be the most helpful thing you can offer them at that time. I give you sugar...please give me time. We can hash out the details later.

Finding "The One"

When I first learned that Rae was a little different from the rest of the babies her age, I started becoming delusional. I began thinking there was something I could do or buy that would make everything better. I desperately walked up and down every toy aisle in every store, dug through every toy bin at local consignment shops, and google searched till my eyes were red looking for "The One." Before you ask, "The One" is a special, magical, cure all toy that would motivate my little girl to roll over, sit up, army crawl, use her arms/hands, lift her head up, crawl, or walk (I have gone through a similar pattern searching for bottles and sippy cups). Basically, "The One" would cure Rae of all that ailed her.

My daydreams of tiny retro kitchenettes, mini shopping carts, and a pink roll along musical pony were quickly fading into the distant unknown. The siren song of the toy aisle no longer sang sweet promises of fun waiting to be had by Rae. Instead, it only hummed a bitter tune of anxiety and anguish over my disappearing dreams and inability to find "The One."

While repeatedly pushing my cart up and down the same two or three aisles, I talked to myself, played with every toy, or burst into tears for no obvious reason to onlookers. I swear I must have looked like an escapee from a mental institution. On a few occasions, the uncertainty of a particular toy's magical properties required a second opinion and I would call my mother. I would rattle off a detailed description of the toy in question, along with the pros and cons of the purchase, and often ended with quiet sobs (I was in a public place after all). On the other end of the call was my mother's soothing, encouraging voice saying, "You're putting a lot of pressure on a toy. Don't buy it right now. We'll go shop for a toy together this weekend. We'll find something. She'll get there in time. Now leave the toy aisle."

She was right. I was placing a lot of pressure on a single, tiny, toy. It was ludicrous to think that Fisher-Price. Playskool, or LeapFrog held the key to unlocking Rae's physical development. "The One" doesn't exist. It never did and never will. The sooner I emerged from my delusion, the quicker I was able to start pragmatically looking at the toy lined shelves with a better grip on reality. I began evaluating them by what Rae WAS doing instead of what the toy might MAKE her do that she currently was unable to do. As a result, I have found a few l toys that have turned out to be "The One" of the moment.

This ONE:

Made by VTech: This Rhyme and Discover Book was a steal for $3.50 (I think) at a local consignment shop. Rae likes turning the pages and it is easily activated (of course Mommy gets tired of hearing B-I-N-G-O over and over, the sacrifices we make...).

This ONE:

Made by Fisher-Price: The Kaleidoscope Monkey is part of their newest collection. The "tail" is very easy to manipulate (much easier than the See 'N Say)  and Rae just lights up when the monkey says, "Ooh-ooh-ah-ah."

This ONE:

Made by Lauri: It's a peg board set that helps develop fine motor skills. You can find it online, but I found this one at my local Jo-Ann Fabric store and it was cheaper to purchase it there since they offer 40% off coupons (gotta save those pennies, they add up to dollars).

This ONE:

Made by Fisher-Price: This nifty little thing, called an Apptivity Case, safely encases Daddy's i-phone and allows Rae to work on her fine motor skills by playing with her apps. We don't leave the house without it tucked in her diaper bag.

Once I left my delusion behind me, I was able to keep my expectations in check and walk the toy aisles without having a complete mental breakdown.  Besides, they're just toys, not magic cure-all's...right?