Wednesday, November 30, 2011


From time to time when my husband and I get into a disagreement (read: argument) I find myself asking him to specify what his expectations are of me. I feel that I am not able to meet expectations when I have no clue what they are. Seems logical...right? Well, his simple reply is always the same, "I don't have any expectations." That's when I call B.S.! We all have expectations. I, foolishly, even have expectations of complete strangers, which are often met with my being disappointed, but that's another story.

Recently, I find myself having to readjust my stance on expectations. I can not have any expectations of our least physically speaking. All those lovely, insightful, books that instruct parents as to the "normal" development of their child is reduced to kindling for my burn barrel in the backyard. Since Rae has been diagnosed with Hypotonia, I have found that any expectations I daydreamed about while pregnant have become just that...dreams.

Rae is now 13 months old and if I can get her to roll over on her own ONCE during the course of a day then I feel like we have accomplished something. My heart melts if she places her tiny hand into mine when she wants to be picked up because that is quite the feat in our home. The simple achievement of drinking an entire 3 ounces from a regular bottle in one sitting is cause for celebration, which I do whole heartedly of course. Every minute, almost undetectable movement can be and often is considered progress in our eyes.

On occasion, I find myself daydreaming about when she'll stand or maybe, dare I hope, take her first step, but those dreams are masked in a fog of mystery because I can't have any preconceived notions of when to expect her to meet those milestones. When Reality body checks me (which it gladly does on a regular basis), I curl up inside myself, silently crying, hoping someone may hold the key or at least offer an answer as to WHY this has happened to our little Engel (No, that isn't spelled incorrectly, it's German). Then I pick myself back up, brush away the fear of the unknown, re-calibrate my thoughts, and move forward.

So, do I still have expectations...absolutely! I expect to have more blood work, more tests, more x-rays, more doctor appointments, more medical bills, more therapy, more smiles, more laughter, and most importantly more PROGRESS! Because even though her milestones are much smaller she is still making roll at a time.

Oh, and I still have those pesky expectations of my husband, even if he claims to have none of his own for me. Round 32...ding, ding!!

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