A Letter to Me

Your head has known for quite sometime that you have been on a journey that is very different from the one you expected. I pray that your heart starts to accept this new path as well. I pray that you are able to quell the anger that comes like a thief robbing you of your moments of joy and happiness. I pray that in those moments of deep, dark sorrow you are able to find the tiny pinpoint of light. Seek out that light.

I pray that you find the strength to write again, write with honesty, write without the facade of being a "superhero" who has it all together, and once again reassure others that they are not alone. You too are not alone. There are those that have gone on this journey before you and others that will follow after. Each of you will carve your own path and no one way is the absolute best way. You are all stumbling in the dark, clutching your flashlights, and trying to avoid the monsters that reside there with you. Find the others. Together you will make a strong beam of light that will penetrate the dark.

It is okay to not answer with "fine" when someone ask how you are doing. There are days when things aren't "fine." Acting stoic about your life does not make you strong, in reality, it weakens your support system...so be honest. It is okay to not agree with the doctors and therapist. It is okay to ask for a second opinion. It is okay to fight the insurance company for what you feel (and can justify) your child needs to move forward. Trust your instinct...it hasn't been wrong yet.

I want you to know that you are enough. It is okay to just be your daughter's mother sitting in a chair with her curled up in your lap doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING therapeutic. It is okay to not be the always got it together, therapy guru, medical expert mother you think you are supposed to be. It is okay to loose it from time to time. It is okay to let your child watch TV while you go into another room and pull yourself together.

I am giving you permission to just rest. Take a moment or two, heck take an hour, and just do something you WANT to do not something you feel you have/need to do for yourself. If you don't take time for yourself you will become drained emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Even God rested!

Most importantly remember:

You ARE her voice!

You ARE her advocate!

You ARE her Mom!

You ARE your own separate person!