Sincerely Happy for You

I have had many years to try and learn the art of being genuinely happy for others when inside I am collapsing from the weight of my own burdens and struggles. It is not easy and more often than not I probably fail...epically, but I try so that has to be worth something...right? I'm sure at some point in time you have all been there. Heck, awards season is probably the best example of being happy for someone else. You sit in your seat, smile (make sure it reaches the eyes because that's a dead giveaway), clap your hands (not too fast, but not too slow), offer a hug or handshake, and maybe (if you're like me) go home and collapse on the floor of your shower while hot water washes over you taking your tears down the drain.

Just a few minutes old.

If you're the woman who desperately wants a baby, watching while every woman around you has a baby bump, waiting, crying inside, having tests performed, and not understanding what you did wrong. I've been there with you. I've cried those same tears and yelled at God (literally...I could so not be Job) for what I felt was some cruel joke. I plastered a smile on my face and, with a heavy heart, played shower games, listened to baby names, and mustered up as much happiness as I could manage. All the while, hoping that it would be my turn soon...it took us nearly two years and many emotional meltdowns (all mine).

If you're the mother sitting on the park bench watching children toddling around a playground, climbing steps, sliding down slides, and running to their parent(s) when they fall  (as they inevitably do), arms stretched out, demanding the comfort only they can offer. The whole time you're sitting with your own child in a stroller or on you lap...waiting, wondering, and anxious. I am currently there with you. Feeling those tiny pin pricks in my heart. Dreaming of the "someday" yet to come and dreading the question I always seem to ask the universe, "When will it be her turn?" Deafening silence is the universes reply because there is no answer.

At the park.

I am the mother clinging to any sliver of hope within my grasp. My heart longs to chase Rae around the house because she doesn't want to put on her pajamas. I want to see her run barefooted in the hot sand, the wind blowing her champagne hair, wildly laughing while chasing seagulls into the sky. When I was pregnant, I had so many dreams of what my daughter's life would be like...and now those seem more like fairy tales.

I have yet to master the art of hiding this particular sadness from those around me. I try to smile, but I know it never fully reaches my eyes. There is no twinkle. An air of sadness lingers over me. It is during those moments of uncertainty that I hug Rae just a little too tightly. I seek comfort in looking at the curls of her hair and brushing them from her eyes because then I don't have the strength to look at the person/friend sitting beside me. If I feel really uncomfortable, I attempt to dodge any potential discussion by commenting on how well their child is _______ (insert random milestone) or I start talking about something completely unrelated. I'm sure they all see through these defense mechanisms I have developed. Just call me Mrs. Cellophane.

Slow & Steady...

All that being said... I am also the mother that wants you to know that I am truly happy for you if you are one of those mothers playing on the field. I'm happy that your child has met and continues to meet their milestones. That those precious moments of their first steps are intact. Their first words spoken with loud exuberance. That you now have to chase after them when they catch you with your guard down and run like an escaped prisoner seeking freedom (usually the street or parking lot). Please keep that in mind when you see me. Don't censure your own joy because of my heartache. I may want to celebrate with you. It's what friends do. It's what people should do.  And please don't take it for granted...

As for me...one day I will be one of you. I will no longer be sitting on the bench waiting my turn. I just hope I always remember to be sensitive to those that find themselves in a similar situation that I now find myself...living in Amsterdam and trying to find my way out of the airport.

The Reality of Dreams

Have you ever had one of those dreams that just seem so real or even somewhat prophetic? I have them all the time. I dreamed a girlfriend's first child would be a girl and she now has a two year old daughter. I dreamed I was standing in a yellow room in my cousins new home, which she hadn't purchased yet nor told me any details about, and the house they were in the process of buying has a yellow sunroom. One time I even dreamed that another girlfriends husband got another girl pregnant (that one pissed me off when it did happen). The most hurtful dream was an argument with my estranged Aunt who told me the only reason I got pregnant with Rae was to "steal the limelight" from her daughter-in-law's pregnancy, because as we all know pregnancy is a competition. But, I digress...

Now, more often than not, these dreams don't come to fruition, but when they do it can be a little eerie. Sometimes, when I realize whatever I witnessed was just a manifestation of my hearts deepest desire or fear, the dreams are a little sad and frightening. The other night was a beautiful exception since I had the most WONDERFUL dream! When I woke up my subconscious had me convinced this dream would become reality during the course of the day. Unfortunately, I took the dream at face value...forgetting of course it was only a dream. So, here's the subconscious manifestation of my heart's deepest desires...

We were all lounging in our living room, like we do every evening, watching a little TV and I noticed Rae doing some different movements on the floor. I've mentioned before that Rae isn't really a "mover" and every tiny, seemingly insignificant movement can be cause for celebration in our home. So, imagine my surprise when I looked down and saw our daughter on her hands (which she totally hates doing) and knees in a crawling position!!! I was thrilled, elated, jubilant, floating on cloud nine...!! You get the picture. She was doing that little baby rock back and forth, back and forth. Then just like that she was crawling! No rhyme or reason...she was off and moving. It was like she decided today was the day and without any difficulty she became a crawler. Needless to say I was absolutely ecstatic! I contained my joy and silently signaled my husband (I didn't wish to startle her in case she stopped) to look at Rae and see that another milestone had finally been achieved. Then with a sense of relief, confidence and pure happiness I stated, "It's time to baby proof the house."

One of Rae's many trips off her blanket.

It wasn't until that evening, when we were all going to bed, that I finally admitted to myself that what was in my mind was only a dream and I felt like someone just popped my balloon. I know in my head that one day she will crawl and one day I will get to tell my husband that we have to baby proof the house, but I wish my heart would become more rational and get on board with the rest of us. For now, we will just continue to corral Rae back onto her blanket laying on the living room floor knowing that someday our dreams will come true. Now if only I could manage to dream that we won the lottery....