There and Back Again: A Warm Welcome

Rae & Xavier

When we arrived to my Aunt Sue's home we were greeted with warm embraces and homemade soup (there's nothing like the loving embrace of family during stressful times...soup's not too bad either). I was still stumbling through the mental fog that drifted in just days before we left for Atlanta and my distracted conversation/listening was forgiven (they all knew my mind was elsewhere). Rae was entertained by her cousin Xavier and he was thrilled to have a "captive" audience. After dinner and some catching up I passed out (sitting up) on the couch and apparently kept assuring them I wasn't asleep (I talk in my sleep from time to time). It took a little convincing, but I finally went to bed.

In the morning, we fell into our usual routine...wake up, give Rae her medicine and a bottle, change her diaper, turn on Curious George, and make breakfast. Nothing outside of the realm of normal. Once that was completed we readied ourselves for our first (and only) visit with Dr. Shoffner. Armed with plenty of diapers, snacks & bottles, toys, Rae's iPad, the Big Book of Boo Boo's, and Aunt Sue's Garmin we boldly ventured out into the wilds of Atlanta.

*Tangent Warning*

I HATE Garmin's! (actually all GPS systems) I know there are many of you out there that swear by them, but I do not! It drives me bonkers having some disembodied voice barking directions, sometimes way before you need them, out of thin air. I also find them to be confusing and the dang thing had us so twisted around that we actually circled Dr. Shoffner's office before it told us to turn onto the correct street! Not to mention that the driver is constantly checking the Garmin to make sure they are in the proper lane which means they are not watching the road! Just give me an Atlas and I'm good to go.

I HATE GARMINS!!! 

*Tangent Over*

Colorful glass artwork on 1st floor.

Upon our arrival at Dr. Shoffner's office, we were greeted by name at the front desk (guess they don't get many patients on a daily basis). We waited no more than 3 minutes before Dr. Shoffner welcomed us and we followed him back to the exam room. I felt horribly intimidated to be in this man's office and know that his intelligence far exceeds my own (yes, I know he puts his pants on just like everyone else, but seriously...he is the leading expert in mitochondrial disease). I can only imagine that Dorothy felt the same way when she first met the Wizard. Once we became acquainted with each other my mind, almost instantly, went blank. This is not a new phenomenon. In fact, it happens quite often and usually whenever I am not alone at a doctor's appointment. My mind becomes fixated with some small detail: a random test result, Rae being a busy body, or the doctor's appearance. In this case it was all of the above.

Dr. Shoffner was pleasant and unassuming. I half expected him to be wearing a lab coat, but alas I was disappointed. He was wearing exquisite leather ankle boots, slim black corduroy pants, a fitted black blazer (not a suit coat), a purple collared shirt with coordinating tie, and a black sweater...with holes (Huh? Holes? Really?). Yup...holes...intentional holes, with finished edges, placed randomly around the sweater. Obviously, this sweater was not something one would find at a typical department store. I had to suppress a giggle (or two...I get the urge to giggle at the most inappropriate times). The rest of my thoughts I am keeping to myself for fear of coming across even more ridiculous (I promise I do take all of this very seriously). Once I managed to push this humorous observation to the back of my mind I forced myself to pay attention (as best as I could...thank God Jacob was there).

Dr. John Shoffner
Photo Credit:
CLP: Clinical Lab Products

He went over all the previous testing (ruling out any potential significance of the gene mutation previously discovered by Baylor)...<sigh of relief>... Did a quick exam of Rae. Made a few observations. Explained what he was going to do and how long it would take for results to be sent (8 weeks). He offered us reassurance in his lab & personnel's qualifications as well as his own credentials. He was confident (they all are) and reassured us that he would do his best to find an answer (they all do). He was also very patient, soft spoken, and not at all pretentious. I was worried he would be and was very pleased to discover otherwise.

Then as we were gathering our things and preparing to leave he mentioned he looked forward to seeing us all again (wait a sec...did I hear that correctly...he wants to see us AGAIN...we were told he doesn't do follow-ups). Even though he said this in a normal tone the words loudly reverberated off the tiny exam room walls. What peaked his interest enough to want to see her again? Guess we'll have to wait 8 weeks to find out (gotta love waiting).

Day two of our journey was coming to a close...two more days to go before we were able to seek sanctuary within the walls of our home, patiently (maybe not so much) and nervously waiting for the results.

The Back Story: All Systems Go!

When we last left off:

In the beginning of January 2010, I began the process of burying my dreams of motherhood and started thinking of a life of hollow freedom and insignificant travel (I love freedom and travel, but it's not what I wanted). I decided the best way to move past this point in my life was to expel my despair by creating art, specifically photography (I tend to go artsy when I need to work through something...that or I break things I don't care about...which ever works in the moment). I developed a concept and over coffee I discussed my intentions with a close friend. Tears ran down my cheek as I shared my pain and he asked only one thing of me...please wait. Don't do the photo project just yet. Give it a little more time. You don't want to do something you might regret. I did as he asked and I waited...

I did not sit idle while I waited though. I worked on putting our new home together (we just moved into it in November). I finished the last class I needed for my Bachelors degree (I had to take a 3 credit course to make up half a credit...ARGH!). I started thinking looking into Masters programs thinking I would start working towards that goal in the next year or so. I applied for a few jobs that might make use of my newly acquired degree (hahaha...yeah right...I have a degree in history with a minor in literature). Basically, I tried to keep myself busy while I waited...

I waited so long that my best friend couldn't stand it anymore. She was ready to force me to pee on a stick (not sure how that was gonna work).  I refused to do so for fear of yet another disappointment (and those tests can be pricy). Every morning, for nearly two weeks, she would call and ask me if I had peed on a stick yet. Finally, in the beginning weeks of February, I caved into her demands. I stood in my bathroom, nervously staring at my test results. I just didn't know what to think or how to feel. I became so used to seeing "Not Pregnant" on the tiny screen that seeing the single word "Pregnant" left me speechless. Now I had to tell my husband.

I've seen all those adorable ways women tell their husbands that they are expecting and I can't say that I was anywhere near as cute, adorable, or creative. As I mentioned before, we had just purchased our first home and were in the middle of painting (every single room) and I decided I didn't like the yellow in our guest room (I have since concluded I HATE yellow on walls). So, my way of telling my husband that we were pregnant was by using paint chips. I went to Home Depot and picked out "Baby Boy Blue" and "Baby Girl Pink" and taped them to the wall of our guest room. When he came home I told him I couldn't decided between two colors and he needed to go look and give me his opinion...He was a stunned as I was.

Then after a one doctors (I learned I was 7 weeks along) visit and a few weeks I was able to tell everyone.

I never did the photo shoot (I was blessed to do a bump shoot instead) I discussed with my friend. I have intentions of doing it one day, but I have expanded the concept and want to include other women and their stories of infertility (the highs and the lows). I'm glad I waited. I'm thankful for having a wise friend brave enough to ask me to wait...to not put something out there that I couldn't take back. Neither of us knew it at the time, but I was pregnant that day.

And that degree I laughed about has actually come in handy. In our Hypotonic World, I have to research (a skill I honed while writing papers) the medical maze of diagnoses & tests, insurance double speak & appeals, and government laws regarding Early Intervention & Disability.

Since that day in January, my life has been all about waiting. Waiting for Rae to arrive, waiting for appointments, waiting for test results, waiting for Rae to reach another inchstone, and waiting for a diagnoses. So, in hindsight, my waiting to conceive Rae was just preparing me for the periods of waiting yet to come. I'm comforted to know that I am not alone in my waiting. I have my family, my friends, and my faith. I used to feel like I was alone, waiting on God or doctors or tests, fretting over results or stressing over all the "what ifs". Now, I've come to know that God is waiting with me and I am never alone (a big thank you to my waiting family and friends).

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:9